Devil Knows You're Dead
by double scotch.single malt
Summary: Don't let the title influence your choice to read, please. Season 8 Opener, Derek POV one-shot inspired by the gorgeous Delta Spirit's song, 'Devil Knows You're Dead'. Rated T for everyone!


**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.**

**Author's Note: So enjoy this, I love this song from Delta Spirit, LISTEN to it, find it on youtube or iTunes and you'll be downloading it quick and your obsession will start thereafter, I sincerely promise that!**

**There's not much I can say about Shonda's version of Derek other than that he is a work in progress. I think this short story; a S8 opener one-shot speaks to the work that surely needs to be done with his character. Please … let me hear from you after you read!**

**Devil Knows You're Dead**

Lyrics for Delta Spirit's song, 'Devil Knows You're Dead':

May the wind be always at your back  
>And the sunshine warm upon your face<br>May the rains fall soft upon your field  
>Until the day we meet again<p>

And the roof that hangs over your head  
>Find you shelter from the storm<br>Before the devil knows you're dead  
>May you be in heaven my friend<p>

May good luck find you at your worst  
>And back luck lose you at your best<br>May your days be rich and full of wealth  
>And your nights be long when you need rest<p>

And the roof that hangs over your head  
>Find you shelter from the storm<br>Before the devil knows you're dead  
>May you be in heaven my friend<p>

And the road may it rise to meet your feet  
>And be downhill all the way to your door<br>May the grass below be green and the sky above be blue  
>May it be so forever more<p>

And the roof that hangs over your head  
>Find you shelter from the storm<br>Before the devil knows you're dead

May you be in heaven my friend  
>May you be in heaven my friend<br>May you be in heaven, oh my oh

###

**Devil Knows You're Dead**

The morning wind slammed into his face as he stood upon the ridge, surrounded by the flawless, wild and unkempt forty acres of land he bought all those years ago – _a then-desperate plea for a new beginning_ – a new life where he would also do things differently … a switch in gears so that maybe he wouldn't be so self-involved, a time in his life where he would look at things with a fresh pair of eyes and not see everything as simply _'black and white'_.

Recoiling at his choice of words, he shrugged his broad shoulders against the cold, the air stinging his eyes, releasing with its wrath and fury a new set of reflexive tears. He clenched his jaw and let the wind move over him in droves akin to the mistakes he'd made since his wayward arrival here on the opposite coast of everything he'd ever known. He blinked and unleashed another set of tears, once again wondering why and how it was that he was so stubborn and ill equipped to just stay put and deal with the problems that confronted him:

__Addison his wife …  
>His unwavering love for Meredith …<br>Addison and their wedding vows …  
>His resolute love for Meredith …<br>Addison and her claims that he was absent …  
>His persistent love for Meredith …<br>Addison and the divorce papers …  
>His steadfast love for Meredith …<br>Addison and her claims that he walked away …  
>His tireless love for Meredith …<br>Meredith … his wife_. _

His tears were free-flowing now, crazy like the wind … _'Meredith, his wife'_. The combination of those words lingering on his head, rolling on his tongue as he whispered them unto himself – _'Meredith, his wife' –_ he felt his heart ache for her and yet, he stood still and let the cold wind pummel him like some kind of punishment … or a wake-up call that he desperately needed. Yes, there he stood and wondered how and why he had become this man, a deserter of his post (it) – _his mind suddenly deluge of images of her and baby Zola_ – sweet baby Zola, whom shared this more intense ache in his heart now, _'pull, pull' _went his strings.

_Meredith and her soulful eyes …  
>Meredith and her secrets to bear …<br>Meredith and his fear that she did not love him …  
>Meredith and her propensity to also walk away …<br>Meredith and her unpredictability …  
>Meredith … redefined …<br>Meredith and the way she looked at Zola …  
>Meredith, his wife.<em>

Yes, he felt the surge, this thing she did to him, this power-hold she had on him … this way she tugged at his heartstrings, no differently now than she had done from the moment he chose to stay with Addison – _his heart literally ached for her _– no different than the moment he felt her become lost in her mother's wrath … or the moment he realized that she gave up on them in the water … or the moment he hid out here, _right out here_ after he callously called her lemon and batted his mother's most precious heirloom away.

_Meredith and her 'death' before she was ready …  
>Meredith and her own reflex to run …<br>Meredith and her compassion …  
>Meredith and her loyalty …<br>Meredith and her 'candle-print house' …  
>Meredith … redefined …<br>Meredith, his wife._

He blinked and righted himself, feeling the surge – _that ever-present tug pulling him even harder now_ – his broken heart, still recovering, once whole, now stitched back together again, his scar tingling slightly, a ghost of a sensation … _'tug, tug'_ went the dull, persistent ache for his wife and baby.

He gasped for air, emotion clogging his throat as he thought of her – _her wild hair in the morning, the scent of her skin after they'd made love, the intensity of her green irises as she came, her untamed giggle he loved so much, the way she regarded Zola, so timid, unsure – 'tug, tug',_ she pulled their connective line tight until he finally turned on his heel and let the wind slam into his back.

'_Push, push'_, it howled now as he stood and watched the storm come in – _the clouds dark and foreboding, made from evil _– but he could do no more than stand still and wonder if the frame of their home would weather the storm … and would he?

_Meredith and the way her brilliant mind worked …  
>Meredith and the way she whispered, 'I love you' …<br>Meredith and their post-it note vows …  
>Meredith and his 'death' before he was ready …<br>Meredith and her loss of the life that grew briefly inside of her …  
>Meredith … redefined …<br>Meredith, his wife._

He felt for his PDA in his pocket – _his lifeline _– the smooth touch screen warm against his cold fingers. He removed his hand and brought his hands up to his tired, burning eyes. He should dial her number, he should call her back – _Meredith, his wife with whom he hadn't spoken to in five treacherous days_ – Meredith and her pleading phone calls … Meredith who was as lost without him as he was without her.

_Meredith …  
>Meredith and her life in the 'Grey' area …<br>Meredith, the mother of their child …  
>Meredith … redefined …<br>Meredith, his wife … and his dream … officially, forever._

He exhaled, fraught with emotion now as he let himself think of the unthinkable: _Meredith, who was likely reliving her own childhood of abandonment, right now. _For this much was true and not lost upon him – _because he had turned and walked away from his wife and his baby, not very unlike her father had done to her_ – admittedly the circumstances were vastly different, though similar enough to make the bile rise in his throat and his skin crawl.

'_In sickness and health'_, isn't that what Justice of the Peace had said? And so now it was he who felt sick and imbalanced regardless of whatever sense of betrayal that seethed within him. And then he asked again: _Who does that?_ He wanted to know, what kind of person selfishly botches a clinical trial? Who does that and out of what, misguided loyalties? Guilt over decisions made by her mother? Guilt that didn't belong to her?

He shook his head and hunkered down against the cold now as he took a step forward and pondered her actions before he found himself stepping forward again. _'Who does that'_, he wondered again, but the haunting, persistent inquiry only left him with yet another barrage of questions to ask himself: _what kind of man … husband … father was he? _

_And then it hit him out of nowhere – a gust of wind so powerful that it propelled him forward – pushing him so hard that he had to run, thereby impeding his ability to backpedal on his answers to that line of questioning, for there was no excuse to be made with regards to the kind of man or husband or father he was! And as the wind moved him along the plain, his reality pummeled him – for there was truth to what people said about him – he __did__ walk away and conversely, he didn't like to be alone. And although the wind died down, he found himself running still … running wild and moving forward in search of answers … and of Meredith, his wife._

'_Who does that'_ – he pondered again, but as the wind came to a slow, billowing halt and he came to stand at the driver's side of his car, Derek Shepherd knew this much: _it was time for him to also be redefined. _

###

Moments ago, he had been so nervous and felt so helplessly blockaded while he sat in the car waiting for the ferry to move through the worst of the severe storm. And as he waited, he became so desperate for fresh air that he hastily extricated himself from the tiny cab and came to stand on the helm to await his fate as he left all the rest of it behind … _the solace of the land, the clarity he found there, the essence of being alone and feeling lonely._ And as the ebb and flow of the Elliott Bay carried him to the opposite shore, Derek watched the skyline become further defined … the twinkle of the lights lulling him for a lost beat in time as he wondered again – _'who does something that selfish'_ – though this time he wasn't asking the question with regards to Meredith's actions, but to his own.

###

The city was empty, for torrential storm rains tended to do that, wash everything clean and suddenly leave that road not traveled passable and easy to navigate along. He sighed and lowered his window a crack, allowing the humid air breeze inside. He came to a stop at a light that had been knocked out of commission – _the signals overhead red and blinking intermittently _– he exhaled and watched them blink, becoming lost in their rhythm, both slow and deliberate, slowly finding his own rhythm now that he was closer to home and to Meredith … _red, red, red … slow down … stop and think … stop, stop, stop_.

A car horn beeped behind him, jarring him awake then as he muttered to himself, inhaled sharply and tightened his hold upon the wheel as he pressed on the gas pedal, racking his brain now for something to say to Meredith … redefined … his wife.

###

The car idled and he set the gear into park and turned the ignition off. He exhaled again and sunk back and into his seat, his eyes moving over the house, this homestead that had somehow been the backdrop of their new beginnings. He glanced at the clock and relaxed his head against the seat. The sky was dark and so was the house, but not in a foreboding way … a peaceful way. He fought his urge to cry and his chest quaked wherein responsively brought his hand up to his heart and gently pressed his palm against his repaired muscle … _'boom-boom'_. He closed his eyes and then opened them, watching now as the runoff from the rains trickled down and along the drainpipes that framed the corners of the old house.

Suddenly a light illuminated the frame of the window in the living room … the sacred place where it all started … amid boxes and the mess of Ellis Grey's life. He sighed and thought of what to say to his woman – _still grappling with the events of that fated night all those years ago _– his mind suddenly and beautifully deluged with the unforgettable moments of their love-making on that same floor on the night of their _'non-wedding'_.

_He stared at the window hoping to get a glimpse of her, but the light went off instead and his heart sank. _

But just as soon as that light was dimmed, another went on then in the kitchen where he could see just a sliver of that warm, yellow glow he came to love so much. And within that warm feeling, he could also see Meredith's face so clearly in his mind's eye on that night after the quarantine when he first told her he had loved her … _forever_ … and the way she her eyes shone as he made his confession that he'd chosen the wrong woman.

_He sighed and the light inside disappeared and everything was dark again, but he watched the house still. _

Truly mesmerized now as the light inside their bedroom was illuminated … the sacred place of their many starts, the first place that was truly _'theirs'. _He sighed and watched her familiar silhouette move by the window while he held his breath, his mind racing with all the connectivity they'd shared in that bedroom to date.

_From their second start of 'taking things slow' …  
>To his promises to 'always show up' …<br>To his private time in the middle of the night, anticipating her next breath, in, out …  
>To her inclination for 'sex and mockery' only …<br>To the doing and immediate undoing of his first proposal …  
>To their desperate need for intimacy when they lost George …<br>To the moment they finally framed their post-it note …  
>To her recovery and to his drawing all over the walls …<br>To her lonely nights when he disappeared into the vast woods …  
>To his recovery and the way Meredith held it all together …<br>To the mourning over the loss of their baby who would never be …  
>To their married life and what that post-it note meant to them …<em>

They had promised _'no running'_ and to _'love one another even when they hated each other'_ … and although he ran out of anger and fear, he still loved her so.

He blinked and waited breathlessly as her lithe shadow danced across the window again, except for this time she pulled the curtain back, his chest tight when he saw her appear there with Zola naturally perched upon her hip … _they were a vision of heaven, a dream come true… a mother checking the weather … Meredith … redefined._

She pointed up and into the dark sky and smiled as she ran her long finger under the baby's chubby cheek until her gaze fell on his car and her face fell in tandem.

He held his breath and watched her strain to focus, her brow furrowing, knitted in disbelief and he wondered if she could see him and was surprised when the curtain fell and she disappeared, but was not at all surprised to feel his PDA buzz in his pocket. He fished it free and saw her name flashing like a beacon of hope … a call from his angel … a lone buoy in the storm of their lives … _'Meredith, Meredith'_. He engaged the speakerphone and let her melodic voice fill the car.

"_Are you coming in?"_ she asked softly, Zola babbled on in the background.

"Yes," he breathed.

"_So come out of the storm,"_ she answered and then she was gone and the porch light went on.

Derek pressed his lips together and swiftly existed the car, his eyes fixed on the portico as he ascended the steps and _Meredith (his wife, his life, redefined_) opened the door with Zola on her hip to find him standing there. He blinked and his waiting tears fell free, taking in her familiar physique – _her hair in a messy bun, her loose tendrils framing her angular face, her eyes glassy with unshed emotion, her yoga pants hugging her curves in all the right places_ – she looked like Meredith … his Meredith and he so badly wanted to reach out and pull them toward him … to touch and revere them … but in that moment all he could do was stand there still and bask in the soft, glowing light and the warmth radiating from within the house … and his wife … and their baby.

"Meredith …," he breathed, his heart trumpeting as he did, _'slow down, stop and think'_, he coached himself. "_'Sorry'_ isn't enough …," he offered softly, lamely. "There's no …excuse … I have no excuse," he exhaled on the truth.

"No … you're right on all accounts," she agreed as he came to stand in front of her and face his destiny. She pushed some stray hairs out of her face and shifted Zola on her hip. She exhaled sharply and held his gaze. "But … I'm sorry too … I just … everything was so …," she whispered, obviously trying to navigate her own way through the mess they had become.

_She pressed her lips together, twisting her mouth now with her eyes still fixed on his – the color of her irises so intense, so full of everything he loved about her that he __knew__ – he knew he was on his way to also being redefined … by and for and to her. _

_The baby cocked her head and let it fall against Meredith's chest wherein she responded with a tiny giggle and motherly rub upon her back, protectively holding the little bundle close while he watched them – quite awestruck by their connectivity – quite disappointed that he missed seeing it unfold as it likely did over the last five days._

_And within that defeat, he exhaled and watched Zola's innocent, all-seeing eyes scrutinize him. She babbled excitedly and smiled widely before she turned into her mother's comforting heat again and this time, nuzzled her neck, hugging her close. _

"We've been wondering when the timing would be right … for you to make your way back home," Meredith said then, expertly switching topics as she stepped aside for him.

"Me too," he said softly as he stepped inside the house. She closed the door behind him and everything was quiet.

"We like to play in here," she murmured as she shuffled by him and turned the light in the living room on.

_Derek followed her and smiled when he saw a small stack of toys on the floor, the lavender throw blanket, __their__ blanket lay stretched on the floor. Meredith sat down and situated Zola on her lap. She looked up to find him as he stood in his same spot, feeling a lot like an outsider looking in and upon a dream he once had – Meredith ensconced in a sea of lavender and baby toys – Meredith redefined. He smiled and doted on them and that dream for lost beat in time now before Zola looked up and babbled to him, her sweet, round baby face … happier than he'd ever seen her. _

"She's asking daddy to take his coat off and sit down and play," Meredith whispered, her voice cracking slightly as she did.

_He swallowed hard and blinked back his tears, his heart, so weak, yet its tug and pull so strong now that all he could feel was its steadfast beat as he slipped his coat off and came to sit across from them, finally … eye to eye. He leaned forward and handed Zola one of the small plush animals, an elephant, his favorite of all the toys they had purchased. She squealed and wrestled with it, bringing the soft toy up to her mouth and face where she squeezed it tight. _

"Her favorite," Meredith murmured as she held the baby close. "You picked it out, do you remember?" she asked of him then.

"I do," he answered, holding her inside the moment, her eyes, so bright and green … and _sure_ … that he knew he had to be sure too … sure of her love … sure of her commitment. "I'm going to grow up, Meredith … I swear …," he chuckled then, watching her smile reach her beautiful eyes.

"I think you chose a good time for that," she said simply, her watery eyes vacillating over his. "And I know … you aren't sure what kind of mother I'm going to be, but I know what kind of mother I'm _not_ going to be," she smiled weakly.

_His hurtful words to her haunting him now as he shook his head to recant them. He opened his mouth and then closed it. The baby reached for him, but Meredith held her close as she tilted her head and watched him come to terms with his regrets. _

"You've grown … since we've met," he said thoughtfully. "I'm sorry for … everything," he whispered, his eyes pinned to hers. "I was angry … and I went too far, it wasn't the first time I degraded you … but … it was the last," he promised, his voice cracking, his heartstrings tugging.

"I know it was … because I won't wait next time … we won't be here waiting if there's a next time," she whispered truthfully. "It's not just about us anymore, Derek," she announced, loosening her hold upon Zola as the baby reached for him.

"No, it's not," Derek husked as he met the baby halfway and gathered her tiny frame in his arms. "Hi Zola," he whispered as held her gaze, staring into her liquid brown eyes. "I'm home," he murmured softly – _feeling that tug upon his heart multiply and compound _– barreling out of control with the untamed love he had for her and her mother. "And I'll never leave you again," he promised, his eyes reaching Meredith's now. "Because … I'm growing up with you," he whispered, kissing the swell of her chubby cheek.

_His heart simmering down and into a new beat as Meredith moved to sit flush against him now, her watery, soul filled gateways fixed on his as she held him inside this first moment of redefinition, her pulsing lips meeting the plane of his weathered cheek as she did. _

_Following his impulses, Derek leaned into his lover's touch – feeling the heavenly way his heart blindly followed its new beat – this new steady rhythm that hummed with inner peace already, the tumult of their separation ebbing now as he came to own this new beginning of theirs, once again situated on the living room floor where it all started. _

_Yes, he breathed and relaxed as the storm of their lives slowed down and harmonized with his new heartbeat made of the father he would become … that beat of the man he longed to be … the one belonging to Derek Shepherd, redefined. _

**-END-**


End file.
